I wrote my story over a week ago and pondered whether or not I wanted to share such a personal truth with you. And for me I wanted and need to release this into the element... So here is goes.
Sometimes we just have to unleash and let go in order to move forward. I feel like today is that day.. I need to unleash some things and shake them lose. The reason I believe that this is so hard is that growing up in my era you didn't talk about a lot of things and even in the home you were told not to be opening your mouth about things that go on in the home. So, what that did was make it difficult to really let go and tell somebody about anything that you may be going through for fear of not being disobedient.
(Isaiah 40:29) He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Yesterday I had some turn of events in my very own place which made me re-visit a place that I don't like to go and after speaking with a 10 year old child about the life she's living made me do an about face on my own sorted past and realities as a young girl remembering things that were left at yesterday feet. This may not be her story I pray not however it brought something out of me so here it goes.
I remember living in Chicago as a young girl and really just kind of having free will in our neighborhood despite the growing concerns of the various street gangs and crime in the late 1960's
Chicago's ghettos in the 1960s were notorious for their shootings, robberies, rapes, fires, joblessness, single-parent families, dreadful schools and high dropout rates, rampant alcoholism and heroin addiction, abandoned buildings and vacant lots .Reference here
A 12 yr old boy took advantage of my innocence and made off with my innocence
As I had know it. Me a pure and innocence a girly tom boy girl. I like to be a girly girly with all the frill and girly things but I also liked to get down and dirty with the boys building mud pies riding bikes and enjoying just being a kid.
My Mom is My Shero:
In Late the late 1960 I remember my mom being this very family dedicated extremely hard working mother who with five kids worked two jobs and a part time to make ends meet. She always said one full time job paid for the care that we received while she worked. My mom is my Shero I have big love and much respect for the woman that she is. She is that Woman in spite of all the odds and challenges of being a single mother with five kids she with stood the test of time to make it happen. She put herself through college she raised her family. She hustled so hard that she became very ill in 1969 She was just worn out and exhausted... Why?? For working so damned hard to keep family together. And I love her for it! It made me the mother that I am.
The Boogie man is a baby
We had two babysitters one for the day and one for the night. Our daytime sitter would come to our place which I loved, mom always kept such a clean eat off your floor kind of home and it always smelled like spring in our place even in the winter.
Our night baby sitter ran a store with kids toys candy and (the Best Dill Pickles in the world) Man...Still looking for that taste. After school she would take us to the store and we would hang out and play eat junk and just really enjoying the play area she had for us. At night we would spend the night and go home at 7am this happened every school night. We had done this for a couple of weeks now she had gotten used to us and we had gotten used to her as well. But more importantly I was finally getting used to being at their incredibly large house with a hallway that went on forever and ever with doors and pretty things everywhere.
Girls like shiny things so we pay attention to every detail. A couple of times Pam the baby sitter and I would walk down the long hallway to the very last room. I remember the first time we went in the bedroom at the end of the hallway I was stunned that there was a really old lady in this grand and elegant queens room. I was taken back at first because as a 7 yr old I had never seen such an old person before. Pam introduced her to me as her grandmother. And I learned that she was blind very friendly and sweet .
The Middle of the Hallway is where the Boogieman Baby Hides:
One night after having been there a couple of weeks I knew we could not walk freely in the house. We were actually in a large room for us girls that had French glass doors and on the other side were two Doberman pincher dogs that roamed the house freely so at night we were not allowed to be out of the room and Pam the babysitter was in another area of the house. The house always fell quite and peaceful at night.
On this particular night Pam’s nephew who is between twelve and fourteen years old is roaming the house peeking inside where we 4 girls were. He would just eye ball us and keep it moving. Later that night sleep finally came for me but the next thing that I knew, nephew shook me awake and said auntie Pam sent me to get you, she wants’ you down the hall. I was so sleepy but I went following behind him checking to make certain the dogs were not out. They weren’t and even at my age I knew that was pretty strange. When we arrive to the middle of the hallway there was a room I had not been in before. As he opened the door I could see it was a pretty bedroom that was all made up but it was empty and Pam was nowhere in sight.
Nephew told me, just sit down and wait she's coming in a few minutes later I'm sitting there sleepy and ready to be back under the covers. What happen next took me by totally by surprise this boy sits next to me and starts rubbing on my body and I'm thinking to myself something’s wrong with this picture. As I jumped up he grabbed me and put his hand over my mouth and said if you say one word I'm going to get my dogs on you! Do you want that? I shook my head so he continued rubbing all on my bones couldn't have been my breast I was not quite eight yet.. He undressed us both and proceeded to climb on top of my body and just do what he wanted. I just laid there not knowing what was going on this was new to me, but some how it just felt all wrong. And I felt like this big boy knows this is all wrong but didn't seem to care. He had strange colored eyes a round high yellow face with reddish hair and the largest eyes and those eyes are what's burned in my memory.
I as a child was so confused when I got back to my own room I was trying to figure out what just happened? I knew in my heart of hearts that it was wrong but if I said anything he was going to get them vicious dogs to take care of me. I didn't know what to do so I just kept quiet. I couldn't tell my mom because I was sure she would probably be mad at me... I was so sure I had done something so wrong that everyone would hate me. I was so confused about what to do heck I was just seven years old.
After months of this, from the nephew (wished I knew the suckers name) I don't... It became the norm as I knew it. This had been on going on undetected by no one and as a little girl after months of this I began to rather enjoy it. Something in my body was saying yeah baby.. These were things a young girl should not be feeling one way or the other about. She is supposed to be innocent and pure and untouched. In my mind I know the only thing which saved me from his continued abused was that in 69 my mom was so ill My grandfather had given my grandmother money to move us all. So my grandmother and aunt came to Chicago and moved our whole family to Portland Oregon. No more of having to see his face with the piecing greyish green eyes because even though I had begun to have mixed feeling about the actual act. I despise this freckled face boy from robbing me of my childhood innocence.
I finally told mom when I was in my thirties and it broke her heart to know that these awful things had been happening to me and also the fact that she had no idea.
Part one is dedicated to Sweet Mama for her strong dedication to family and all people.
Also Dedicated to Sweet Little Z Baby because of you I had the strength to tell my story...
Part Two..............................................
Check out Part two At seventeen I was sexually assaulted yet again by the church badboy...Yeap gonna call him out!!!
